such a lonely soul.

The night has lately become a haunting time for me, when my demons come out to play.  I’m not even being dramatic by saying that.  My mind has felt like the devil’s playground before, yes, and in a much worse way, but now that my mind has rearranged a bit, there are new weaknesses, new ways to play…

everyone else is so nice, and I’m just not good anymore
“what have I become?
I’m sorry.”

everything is black and white, all my fears on shuffle and repeat, scrolling through the list of things I should’ve said, the times I should not have laughed, the things I should have done, I am on trial and I am not going to make it.

then last night I read these words, from a song called “Ghost of a King.”1

met a ghost of a king on a road
words of fire
he said you are a lonely soul
with a heart of stone
that rakes against your thirsty bones
such a lonely soul.

In my heart I wanted to scream.  a heart of stone raking against thirsty bones.  I am a lonely skeleton, and when I realized that I started to cry.  These words cut straight to my core like nothing else has for a long time.  I wasn’t even listening to the song, I was just reading the lyrics, and I was crying.

I didn’t want to keep reading, I knew what came next.  But my eyes traveled involuntarily to the next words.

I can show you what can save you
but we need to go
where no chariot can take you
where the river meets the sand
there is water there
that can quench your thirsty bones
and make you well

“I can show you what can save you.”  my shoulders and chest feel so heavy right now under this incredible truth.  Something can save me from myself.  Something can save me and make me well!  make me well.

but we need to go.

that’s the clincher.  We need to go.  I need to take my Savior’s hand and find this water.  what is holding me back?  why do I not want to do this?  Why do I not want the thing that can quench my thirsty bones and make me well?

it’s because I am afraid.  fear is just as blind as love.  I am afraid of going in over my head, of losing myself, of giving up control of my life.

why do I want to control my life?  I know where that’s gotten me.  To the edge of a cliff.  When I think of how well I’ve managed my life on my own, I want to swear.  Excuse me.  (That’s righteous anger.)

this line comes to me: “I get caught up in all these petty things, losing sight of what matters to You.”2  God, is it true that my character is, for now, a petty thing?  Is it true that what matters to you is that I seek your face and your kingdom and trust that your grace will come with it?

can I take one step, beyond the eclipse?


  1. “Ghost of a King,” by The Gray Havens, 2016 
  2. “Gravity,” by Jenn Johnson, 2017. 
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wave

wave goodbye
to who I used to be!
the past is a trophy
that tells of all I have learned
wave hello
to what is ahead!
the sea stretches before me
and I am strong,
I will soar with feathered wings
above the trees that used to cage me in

but so soon
the strings twist again around my body

wave goodbye
to the sun,
the darkness came back to claim me
and I can do nothing to stop it,
wave hello
to my old friends,
the tree branches that taunt me out of sanity,
and nothing will stir my mind from its hiding place.
the empty night settles on my body
and I am cold,
I sit in my own thoughts
praying for a crack in the closed door
praying for the sun to come
praying for someone to hear me

and I can feel the wings fall off
as the sea closes in

thoughts on faith

Why is faith so hard?

There are two cliffs facing each other, a million miles apart, with an endlessly deep pit between them.  If you fell down this pit you would be falling forever.

One cliff, the one one the left, is the life without God.
The cliff on the right is the one with God.

They’re both lifestyles.  It’s just much easier to camp out on the left cliff.  Getting back over to the right requires an incredible leap, a leap of complete faith in something you can’t see.  “I believe God is real.”  And then continue from there.

The thing is, who has the strength and courage to make this jump?  Where does that strength come from?  Saying that this strength comes from God requires taking that leap just to believe in God so he can give you that strength…

Life on the left side is okay.  Sure, everything dies.  But so do you.  And while you’re alive, those things can make you happy.  And after that what’s the point?  What is the point of anything?  Enjoy life.  Help others.  Become a better person.  What’s the point?

Why is faith so hard?

trees

Ok, I need to take some time to talk about one of my favorite songs of all time: Trees by twenty one pilots.

 

Trees is a very personal and painful song to me because it deals with things I struggle with often.  Sometimes it feels like God is very distant.  I know he’s there, I know he’s real and he’s very near me, but I JUST CAN’T FEEL HIM.  I know he is near. I see his work in other people’s lives.   I see his work sometimes even in my own life.  But when I pray, when I try to talk to him, reach to him, it feels like he just doesn’t care about me or what I’m saying.  I want so badly to say hello, but how can I when I know God won’t answer, won’t care?  The fear and doubt builds and builds in an intense cycle until I can’t bear it anymore and I have to run to God, knowing he will take me in.

Keep reading to see my interpretation of this song.

Continue reading “trees”